I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
