I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
