Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She told me I should be a condom model.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize