You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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