But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
