Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Screwed.edu
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
