Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
