My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
