When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
