The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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