i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
