I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
