You know, be my cock's hype man.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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