my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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