Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
