i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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