literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize