Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
