I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
