it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
