allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
