who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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