This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
