I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
