I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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