I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
