that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
