there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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