Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
