If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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