I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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