Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize