All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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