we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
