if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
