It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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