The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
