Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
