Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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