you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
