I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
