So drunk its hurt
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
