No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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