I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
