im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
