I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
