Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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