listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Randomize