He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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