someone threw a dead crab at me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
