Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
zippers are such a cool invention
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
