Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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