He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
