i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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