if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I need moral support for this bender
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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