your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
