If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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